One who stuffeths .. PUFFETHs. He who indulges .. BULGES

Let's talk about obesity today, class. How many of you are overweight? Are you obese or just fat? Are you heavy, husky, big-boned, pleasantly plump, flabby, wishy-washy, huge, horizontally challenged, big, large, extra large ?? EXTRA EXTRA EXTRA LARGE?!?!

Here's some stats for ya: 2/3 of the United States population is- WHO CARES !! We get that America is obese. It's a given. But it's not about how many other people are fat. The fact is, YOU are fat and you need to do something about it.

Slow Down .. Wait, can you slow down?

I do not think you can get any slower. You have not been to the gym in weeks! .. what's that? .. Months!?!

Alright, get out.

Do not blame it on genetics either. Excuses are like spoon fulls of cottage cheese: fat people have them (on their thighs and neck), while healthy people eat them for breakfast.

Maybe I've offended you. You came here looking for some help, a shoulder to lean on in this time of “I have NEVER weighed this much in my own life”. I know. But I'm not going to tell you everything is going to be okay. When people stop caring about their health, their weight, their hygiene, and their smell, people die.

Heart disease (AKA HartDZ), cancer, high blood pressure, kidney failure, herpies. Ever heard of them? Well if you do not get your act together and quit with the donuts, McGriddles, and Curly fries, you will not be able to escape the scary truth that your life is now a ticking time bomb.

Blessed are those who hunger and thirst, for they are sticking to their diets.

Okay class, time to talk about portions.

Are you aware that when you go out to eat you order a plate that has more food on it than a child in Siberia eats in an entire year? You could feed 4 children, two teenagers, and 1 adult FOR A MONTH with that appetizer, entree, and dessert you and your accomplice enjoyed last weekend.

But seriously, you should eat less.

Let's get real for a second. Cutting back on your portions is important and it's not that difficult. Do it in baby steps. When you go out to eat with your spouse or a friend, instead of you both getting the xtra large combo, have one person get the combo, and you just get the sandwich and share the fries and the drink. Dine in and get unlimited refills for crying out loud! How hard is that? Now you will not be tempted to eat an entire bucket of fries yourself.

If you continuously cut back on your portion sizes, soon you will have a tortilla for lunch and be stuffed. You will not rely on a triple burger and a chocolate shake to fill that intense tummy of yours.

Diet and Exercise are like Cookies and Milk

Class, now that we've established the fact that your eating habits are cause for concern, it's time to talk about exercise. If you are dieting but not exercising, you can say goodbye to all of your hopes and dreams of being less fat.

I say that because a lot of you will turn to the HCG diet or Atkins diet or something stupid like that. You will rely on some secret formula to get rid of all your heavy problems.

Well, that is not gonna cut it.

Only eating 300 calories a day will definitely cause you to lose weight. It will also cause you to go into some nasty weight cycles and your stomach will begin eating itself. You do not want that.

The trick is not to starve yourself, but to only eat healthy foods and to do so as you exercise regularly.

Class dismissed.